some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
