I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
