she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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