I feel great
I just peed on a car
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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