i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
