If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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