Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize