he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
