Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Even my vagina gasped.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
