I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
