I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is wine microwaveable?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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