Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
