Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
