four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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