I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
