you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
