I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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