I think I died a long time ago.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
