Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
