Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
