Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
