it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
