I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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