Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
