half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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