maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
