I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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