come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
