I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
