I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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