I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
