Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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