I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
