"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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