Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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