It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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