There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
