The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
