i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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