We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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