I heard we made out
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
