Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
