Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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