My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
