I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have already put on my inside pants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
