I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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