Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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