Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
