I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
