I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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