I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
