I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
