you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
