Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
