Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
