i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
