i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
